Metamorphosis

I've wanted to write something that I have kept dear to myself for the longest time. It's been one helluva year and without a doubt, I feel like I have been through quite the transformation. I feel like I am still getting to where I want to be in life, but this year was definitely a test of so many things that I have either been scared to face or didn't care about. Here we are now, the year is almost over and I think this journal will be a reflection of everything that I went through and ultimately helped me. I will express a lot of myself with music and images of what helped me through this tough but rewarding journey so if something doesn't make sense to you, I apologize. I hope you enjoy reading this regardless and perhaps get something out of it like I always want people to do. Without further ado, my metamorphosis. (Note: The pictures and videos in this journal belong to their original owners and I do not in any way claim them as my own)

Off to a rough start

I looked forward to the year starting off well and having fun. I had so much planned out and so excited to see what the year had in store for me. Unfortunately, it started off very badly. I would rather not go in to details about what happened, but I wasn't myself and because of this, someone got hurt. For several weeks, I had this pain inside of me and was figuring out how to deal with it. I wasn't getting any answers though. I kept getting frustrated and before I knew it, a monster had manifested itself within me. I sometimes did not know how to deal with it, but I started to figure it out slowly thanks to a bunch of special friends.

nick-ian.deviantart.com/art/A-…

Finding motivation

As I continued to figure out what to do about myself, I was also figuring out things I needed to do as far as my future was concerned. So much was hitting me and sometimes, I could not always bear to keep thinking about it all at once. That's when I found comfort in things I enjoyed.. One of which are video games. They have always been my escape, my sanctuary, my peace. If you have read some of my past journals, you will know how much of a nerd I am with video games and they really have taught me a lot. One in particular that helped me calm myself was one of my favorites and the newest entry of the series – I am referring to Resident Evil 7.

Resident Evil 7 (Lesson 1: Face your fears)

Playing this game gave me so many feelings. Especially the nostalgic feeling of the older Resident Evils and going inside a mansion filled with zombies and other monsters. I haven't really liked a lot of the other Resident Evils after Resident Evil 4, but after playing this one? It's my new favorite. Not just because it's a great game, but also because it brought me comfort and a representation of what I needed to. Killing the monsters was slowly motivating me to face my own life fears. I know that sounds absurd, but it was really getting me to this point where the fears I was having about myself, life and so on were something that I needed to step up to. Whenever I would find a save room, I would be welcomed with a relaxing southern atmosphere of wooden furniture, a desk with old letters asking for help or a reminder for something, a library of books and so much more. What completed all of this was the save room music they brought back and once again, a southern touch to it.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPr6Oq…

Beating the game was definitely something that brought me happiness and pleasure. I played this game over and over again throughout the year and it's literally up there with Resident Evil 4. What makes them so significant to me is that I played both of these games while dealing with a lot. This was just one of the many things that helped me develop this year and it is definitely one the most important.

Heroes Never Die! (Lesson 2: Strength)

Ah, yes.. Being reminded of my favorite heroes was something that truly helped me. As a kid, I always looked up to some of my favorite heroes such as Batman, Megaman, Goku and so on. Anything that had to do with them really helped me and I can honestly say that they have helped more than I can even remember. Watching them take out the bad guys and making sure that the world was a better place influenced me to help others with their problems. Watching them really gave me a lot of inner strength and that really helped me out this year. I would feel weak at times and seeing even just a reminder of them would bring me back to having what I lost before. I mean, just look at these awesome heroes and tell me you don't want to go out and do something awesome after watching them in action!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc0uXj…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=i86xTV…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivU_Gx…

But seriously.. I have grown up with these guys and they have never let me down when I needed them the most. A very special thanks to their creators, because without their creators, they would not exist and have had such a huge impact on my life. You guys are legendary and will always live in my heart forever.

Nier: Automata (Lesson 3: Never give up!)

If you read a previous journal I wrote about this game, it is truly a remarkable game that really helped me get closer to where I needed to be at. Everything about this game represented something in my life. The characters trying to find answers, development, mystery, beauty and so much more. I felt like what the characters had gone through was something I was going through. A war with myself and life itself. I wanted to scream when things weren't going my way. I wanted to pound the ground in anger and yell out obscenities like there was no tomorrow. I knew that the enemies were tough and they especially represented the hardships I was dealing with. Especially when they all attacked me at once. 2B was a quiet character that's sole purpose was to get the mission objective done (This will later be explained as something that helped me) and I looked up to her, 9S and A2. I wanted to hug them after what they went through and cry with them after everything they had to deal with and all the lies that were buried beneath their discoveries.

At times, I was ready for what I needed to deal with in life and with the “other side of me” thanks to these three for that. Even when I knew it was going to be a tough battle, I knew I would have to find the courage to beat it and win.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQuHwq…

When I was all worn out from dealing with it all, I would find peace by resting in my room, surrounded by darkness that I wanted to stay in forever, but was my temporary “Safe room” until a new problem would arise.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx0U9U…

This game is truly a life lesson and I would recommend anyone to play it. A true masterpiece filled with beauty and encouragement.

Lost Path (Lesson 4: Guidance)  

For a while, I lost site of what I was doing due to some outside problems already on top of what I was dealing with. I found myself broken and weak once again. You're probably asking yourself “What about everything that you have been talking about that's been helping you?” Well, I felt like it was blocked off, because of this new problem. Little by little, I found my way again. Like getting lost somewhere and using a map and tools to find your way back again. Sure! It was frustrating, but I was able to find it again thanks to some more help.

www.deviantart.com/art/A-Hand-…

It's the little things.. (Lesson 5: Enjoyment)

When summer was nearby, I started to have lots of fun with my family and other otaku things I did. I played such a great game during the summer called Life is Strange. The game was about two years old and I never got the chance to play it until then and I loved everything about it. The writing, the characters, the story, the art and much more. Just the smallest things about that game really gave me some light somehow. Seeing the main character Max go through so much and discovering her new found power to go back in time and fixing mistakes she made. However.. every choice in the game you make, even if you want to go back and redo it, has some sort of consequence later on that you will have to face. It was also about her reconnecting with her friend, Chloe and the struggles they had to face together after not seeing each other for many years. I felt everything about this game and it was just so great and one the major highlights of my summer.

www.deviantart.com/art/Life-is…

Speaking of old games, I played another one that I was waiting to play for a long time and my oh my was it another masterpiece! Undertale was just so phenomenal. It really made me think about my own actions that I was making in my life. Unlike Life is Strange, if you make a decision in this game such as killing a monster, it will come back to you. I don't want to spoil too much for anyone who hasn't played these games yet, but it really helped me think about my friends who have been there for me. The same ones that have taught me so much, shed tears together, had a few laughs here and there and dealing with this adventure we call life. It was definitely worth waiting to play on my PS4 and it's a game I would recommend to anyone. Those old school graphics never get old either and it just goes to show you that a game doesn't need top notch graphics to be amazing and another life lesson.

www.deviantart.com/art/Underta…

Moving away from games and anime for just a second, I think what really got me going was seeing my basketball team win the championship. Last year, we were defeated by our rival that we have gone against three times now. The year before that, we won, but I was upset that we weren't going to be back to back champions. This year made up for it. Seeing my team win just increased my motivation even more so and I was seriously so happy seeing them win and all the hard work they put into the year to reach that championship and come out winners.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRTsQm…

Setting things in to motion (Lesson 6: Determination)

Everything that you have read about my nerdy ass (Lol) helped me find a new job and I can't thank my cousin enough for helping me get it. For those of you who don't know, I started working at a restaurant. I was a bit nervous at first and even though I had been here many times and met some people, I was nervous about messing up at first, but I slowly started to become one of the best employees there. I was quiet and shy yet I got things done. People saw how much I was helping them when they were overwhelmed. How can I not? They have helped me better understand my job and helped me when I needed it. Over the few months that I was there, everyone was talking about me. That includes my bosses and I heard nothing but good things from all of them. Even the people that had been there for many years told me that it had been a while since they saw someone so kind, hard working and awesome as myself. Hearing all of this combined with everything that had helped me through out the year was all a reminder that I was determined to bring 110% to my job all the time.  

I met many friends that even came up to me and said they were always happy to see me and made their day even better knowing they were going to work with me. After a few weeks of starting, I was hearing about a lot of work drama, people not getting along with others, liars, lazy workers, etc. My cousin was one of the managers and filled me in on more about all of this. To me, I didn't care. I was there to do my job and I wanted everyone to get along with each other, but I knew that was out of my control. I never hated anyone there, but there were times when some would give me crap for not being on top of my game. Like a football game when the quarterback is not getting any touchdowns and getting crap from the coaches, the players and so on, that's how I felt. I didn't let it bother me. Doing what I had to do was my main goal. I supported people there nevertheless, because we were a team at the end of the day and despite some disagreements and someone not liking the other, it never got in the way of what I needed to do. No matter how difficult things got.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0LdIZ…

Overcoming so many obstacles made me feel like a champion. I dealt with some overwhelming days, dealing with rude customers at times or not always bringing that 110% that I wanted to bring. I didn't let it get to me and I made sure that I was ready for any other challenges. Like in Dark Souls, everything was a challenge and you can either move forward and defeat your opponents or give up and I wasn't ready to give up. Ever.

inkyh.deviantart.com/art/Iron-…

call-me-hk.deviantart.com/art/…

Changes and Nostalgia (Lesson: 7 Wonderful Memories)

After a lot of thinking about my future and what I really wanted to do, I felt like it was time for me to leave my job. I had been thinking very hard about this and I knew that I wasn't going to stay there forever. I never saw it as a long-term thing. When everyone at work found out I was leaving, they were very surprised. They said they were going to miss me very deeply and I tried not to let it get to me, because truth be told, I am sensitive and easily touched by such kindness. During my last week of work, I noticed my boss talking to our district boss. Long story short, they shut the place down due to business not being good. It was heartbreaking to see the people that have been there for so long and I really didn't want it to end like that. I gave everyone a hug and final farewell, because that was definitely one of the best jobs I had and will never forget the people that made it so wonderful.

Now then, on to something that I have been wanting to talk about and that's nostalgia in the form of my PS2 that was found and the SNES classic that one of my other cousins got me for my birthday. Playing all of these old school games has brought me nothing but fond memories and really appreciating the art and work that went in to it as compared to when I was younger when I just wanted to have fun. Sure, that is still there too, but when you're older and you play these games again, you start to notice the smallest things that made the game really creative and what made it charming. What got you hooked to it like a good book or series that you just want to keep reading and watching more of. I feel like most games nowadays don't even do this anymore. They don't make you go back to replaying it. It's more of “Eh, I beat it” and that's it. I have said this before and I will say it again.. The older generation of gaming got it right! So why is the current generation not as good? I can go more into depth about that, but I'm sure if you played a lot of the older games, you will know the answer to that question.

What's the purpose of bringing all of that up? Well.. Once again, it was another reminder of something that was dear to my heart that I missed. Like an old friend that you always hung out with and shared so much with. That was there during your weakest moments and happiest ones. This leads me to my final section of this long ass journal and I thank you so much if you have read up to this point.

Friends (Final Lesson: Happiness, Love and Support)

Where would I be without my fantastic friends that have been with me since the beginning? Whom of which know so much about me like the back of their hand. The same ones I can depend on when I am feeling weak, defeated and need help.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSecjq…

All of you have been so wonderful to me. You have no idea how much I appreciate every single one of you for being there for me. I would seriously be nothing if it weren't for you guys. All of you have taught me so much about myself and yourselves and it's been so amazing. Especially the ones that live in different countries that have taught me about your culture. I have always found that to be fascinating and I thank you for helping me become more knowledgeable about it. To all my friends that read this, I truly thank you. All the nerdy stuff that was mentioned in this journal helped me for sure, but I saved the best for last and that was you guys. I hope to see our friendships blossom in the years to come and to learn even more. I truly do feel like a champion and now, I am ready for my next adventure that will be starting soon. I have everything I need and have been preparing for it for a long time now. Always know that I too am at your side as well and knowing you guys are going to be there with me next year is what drives me to do more than I ever could for you, for myself, for everyone!  

Thank you to my readers for taking the time once again to read something that I have worked on. This year was definitely something that helped me change in so many ways and even though it wasn't always easy, it was well worth it.


EAZYE925 Not a Hero (Art by my wonderful friend Akubakarts ^^)

Remember, you're never just living your life for yourself. Live for everyone you love and are loved by. They're doing the same for you after all.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tz82xb…