Dark World Dreams

I have been finding a lot of my old stuff from the past that I see as artifacts and tell a story of both good and bad times. I sometimes look at it and instantly remember those times. Whether it was an old job or high school, some of it I miss while others I want to stay lost. I have dreams from time to time about my past. One of them is pretty weird. It's me walking around the neighborhood I grew up in and finding my old house. No one is around and the sky is pitch black with no moon or stars to illuminate over me. I walk to my house and see a bunch of junk everywhere as if it has been ransacked. There are construction lights and other types of lights such as lanterns on the ground as my only light source in this place. I don't remember anything more than that, because I would wake up and only remember that. I pass by that same house to this day, because my cousin and I grew up on that street and he still lives there and very little has changed. Not really sure who lives in my childhood home, but sometimes, I wish I could ask if I can take a look inside my old house to see how it is without them thinking I'm some weirdo.

So many things have been triggering my past lately. Sometimes, it's a movie, a person, a piece of clothing or even a simple object. Just the other day, I was cleaning my closet and reorganizing some stuff in it and I came across a bunch of my old uniforms from my past jobs. I smiled and laughed as I glanced at each one of them and remembered those times. Like my very first job working at a movie theater and always coming home smelling like fresh popcorn with oil stains from the popcorn machine on my clothes. I also remember my last job which was working at a restaurant wearing full black and an apron they gave me to keep my order sheets, change and pen in. I believe just about everything around me has been setting off all these memories and I look back at them and wonder what would've happened if I had stayed in those places and being around those same people.  

The people I have met over the years felt more like people you come across in a fairy tale and then never see them again. You come by them, because you happen to stumble upon their village or meet during your travels. I began having dreams of these people from my past and places I have been to and you know what? Just like the dream I had about my old neighborhood and home, everything around me is pitch black with some small lanterns as my only light source once again. I was trying to figure out what it meant and I think I know now thanks to a special game that I keep talking about (And definitely one of my favorites)

I recently played Dark Souls 3 and there's an area in the game where there are candles laying on the ground in different areas and when you are away from it, you are surrounded by a light aura to help guide you through the darkness. The sky is completely black and the area is also very familiar. When I discovered this area, I realized it's the area at the very beginning of the game where you can see everything from the trees to enemies that are lurking about and ready to attack. You eventually go to what I call “The safe haven” also known as “Firelink Shrine” where the lords of cinder's thrones are as well as some friends and a bonfire in the middle of the room to travel to different areas in the game as well as save your game and a few other things. In the dark world version, no one is there except an old lady sitting in the same spot she is sitting in the alternate day world. If you visit her again in the alternate day world, she says “You look familiar..”  

The place is so dark.. so depressing.. so lonely.. and that's when it reminded me of my dreams. I feel like my dreams are reminding me of my past in the “dark world” version while my memories when I am not asleep are the ones I remember as clear as day. I like to believe that the dark world dreams I am having represent memories I have abandoned and thus, they lie in ruins whenever I revisit them. The ones I remember when I am conscious are the ones that I can replay like a set of home movies on a projector. I will admit that I miss a lot of it, but not everything. The people I have met over the years were part of those reasons, but I have not heard from them since. Why? Well, I guess because they became ghosts and weren't in my life for that long and that's okay. I have moved on from them now and even though I still think about those good old days, I know that they won't come back, because everyone changes and they move on just like I have. I met such wonderful friends that are still in my life now and they have stuck by me since the beginning and through my moments of weaknesses and for that, I am forever grateful.  

If you listen to this beautiful track, you will take away so much from it. I personally see myself in front of a bonfire that is lit and surrounded by all of the people that made it come to life with our friendships and experiences in a specific area. When the fire starts to flicker and become smaller, I see those friends disappearing and eventually it starts to burn out and everything becomes black with only small lights around me as I see the smoke coming from the bonfire and what is left of my memories of those people and experiences and I begin to walk off into the darkness to a new source of light in the distance that catches my attention. I chuckle as it waits for me and I start to look forward to a new experience with new people. There are also some friends that did not disappear, but instead were brought over to this new area of light and that to me represents an undying flame. One that I cherish deeply and will always be with me no matter what happens.  

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul_ZRo…

I love everything about this video. From the image to the beautiful track itself, because I can compare it to my life in just the smallest details. Around 2:15 to the end of this OST, it's as if time is slowly running out and the bonfire of memories starts to get smaller and by the end of the track, the fire slowly fades away. The picture itself makes me think about myself letting go of the memories I have had as there is nothing left but ash and they are slipping away from my hand and in the background, there is light but for how long? Especially because everything is in ruins and once the darkness takes over and I see that small light guiding me to it, that's when I depart for that new experience and people that will be there and everything I left behind will fade to darkness and will become part of my dark world dreams that I visit once in a while to show me what was once so beautiful is nothing but darkness and loneliness now.

When I think about all of this, I get these mixed feelings from loneliness (Not in a bad way) to happiness. It's as if I am there again reliving those fun times and then when I come back to reality, all of it is gone and the only things that remind me of them are simple memories I have kept. I guess what I am trying to get at is the reason I believe this is happening is because there are two parts of me that are reminding me in two different ways about my past. One side feels that I should just forget about it, because there's nothing left now and continue living the way I have been while the other side thinks I should hold on to them due to their significance and how it helped create who I am. I personally think both are important in their own ways, but I have changed just like so many people. The sad but honest truth is that nothing ever stays the same and even though I wish for some of those good old days to come back at times, I personally believe that change itself is extraordinary and makes way for newer experiences in our lives that creates curiosity and it will eventually lead to other forms of happiness and newer memories that we never experienced before. I get excited and continue to look forward to it even if the bonfire of memories will eventually burn out and things fade to black just like in my dark world dreams.

www.deviantart.com/art/Dark-So…